What an Adventure!
'''What and Adventure! '''is the first chapter in Fun with Vampires. Content It was a nice night in the Big City. No one was thinking about death. Bar two people. One was thinking about the death of the other, while the other was thinking of the death of the one who was thinking of his death. They both wanted to kill each other. Two mortal (or immortal) enemies that were standing right in the middle of a lovely Summer’s night. The Big City buzzed with thousands of people rushing around, wondering why it was suddenly so hot. Very hot. Beautifully hot. Everyone had taken off their jumpers and tied them around their waists. Everyone thought it was a beautiful night. But it wasn't. Or it wasn't yet. Soon it would be a night to remember. Now, time to meet the highly esteemed characters. Two enemies. One was Arthur Longknuckle, the other was an anonymous villain. Arthur Longknuckle was a black-skinned black-haired man who had various whatsits and doodads strung in his technological holsters. He even had a special sensory visor attached to his eyes. Arthur was looking for the villain. So many people. Everywhere. So many people. Then he saw it. He knew it was it. It was covering it's face with a leather jacket, it had to be it. He gaped inside its jacket to see a wolf-like head. It was it. He grabbed out a sword of silver and dashed up to it. It revealed its head, the head of a werewolf. He dashed up to it and he jumped. He leaped through the sky and brought down the silver sword onto its head, chopping it off. Silver is the only substance that can kill werewolves. And the audience applauded. Wow! What a hero! He killed a werewolf! He's just a kid! But then Arthur remembered. He had to stop the Spawning. It had already began. Seeds erupted from the werewolf corpse and began to get bigger. Arthur pulled out his Spawning Aversion Remedy but it was too late. The seeds flew into the mouth of a bystander. His face went wrinkly, his eyes shot red, his teeth became fangs and his nails became claws. The Spawning was successful. You see, millennia ago, the trees wanted to evolve. They created werewolves to, when killed, give birth to seeds which could plague living creatures and transform them into vampires. The vampire fled. Arthur chased him. The woman who was married to the man who became the vampire burst out in tears. This was Arthurs job. He worked for the Academy of Training for Hunters of the Vampirical Kind. He hunted vampires. So now, Arthur Longknuckle chased a vampire over building roofs. Using its supernatural strength, the vampire leaped across the roofs. Using his technological strength, Arthur followed. One rooftop, two rooftops, three, four, five... Then Arthur stopped. He knew what Euphorious would do. He pulled out a long piece of wood. He placed it in a bow and shot it at the vampire. It hit the vampire's leg, mid-jump. Mortally wounded, it fell. Down, down, down, down, down, down. Till it hit a dumpster and smashed around with huge impact. You see, after the vampires were created they became creatures of pure evil, some even drinking the blood of victims, so the trees expelled them. If a vampire touches plant matter, it is weakened. Arthur had just stopped the vampire's entire left leg muscle, Arthur jumped down. He picked up the vampire and looked it in the eye. He pulled out a stake and stabbed it right into its heart. The diaphragm stopped and the vampire slowly died. Then it turned into a silver liquid and flowed away. So did every thing else, except for Arthur. And then, Arthur Lonknuckle stood once again in the simulation room at the Academy of Training for Hunters at the Vampirical Kind. He was a vampire hunter... ...in training. Arthur walked out into the assessment room. There stood three people. One was the tall, bald Machene Euphorious, another was Arthur's girlfriend, Holly Eckenrock, and the third was someone who he didn't recognise. He was going grey and had a long moustache and bushy eyebrows, he wore a cape and he had a very odd smile. "Well done," said Euphorious, "personally, I would've aborted the Spawning." Arthur was only concentrating on Holly. She winked at him and he probably winked too through his visor. "8 out of 10," said Euphorious. "Do you disagree?" "Mmm?" said Arthur. "No, wasn't really the best of practice-runs, hey?" "Yes. Arthur L-" Then the world faded away from Arthur and a horrible buzzing noise rang through his ears. It had started again. Ever since he was a baby, Arthur had...episodes. He could see things that weren't really there. Then he resurfaced, he was in the same old world, except for the parasaurolophas-bats that glided around the air. "Cookalookalakka!" they cried. "Arthur?" said Euphorious. "Ah, yes," said Arthur, trying to ignore the monsters. "This is Professor Weirdenstrange from the University of the Southsouthwest Suburbs." "Pleasure to meet you, Mr Longknuckle," said the Professor, shaking Artrhur's hand. "If you would," he pointed to a door to a specialized office. Arthur followed the Professor into his office and sat down. "Now, Arthur," said the Professor, "I understand that you are an...abnormal boy, am I correct?" "I don't appreciate you calling me a boy," said Arthur, "I'm 15." "Well, yes, but erm, you can see things that aren't really there, am I correct?" "You are." "Good. I knew I was, I'm always right, just thought I'd ask to seem more...human." "Are you human?" "Oh, yes, 87% in fact, I'm descended from merfolk, however. Sometimes I still feel like I have a tail, then I just remember I'm completely human." Just then, Arthur noticed a small fury thing running around in the Professor's shirt. "Ah," he said. "There's a..." "Oh," said the Professor, pulling out the thing, which looked like a three-eyed monkey wearing a white shirt, a blue, spotted tie and a bowler hat, "don't mind Chupo. He's a genetical mishap, exiled from the monkeys and adopted by me. Now, anyways, legend has always told of super-powered individuals from Jesus, a man of telling from almost 5 billion years ago, to Superman, almost 4.5 billion years ago. The most recent being a certain Holyman living around a million years ago. Holyman had an odd condition referred to as the Sight. He could see a world of things that weren't really there, and in turns, had superpowers. Scientists believe that this is connected to stories of demons living trillions of years ago. Apparently, the fowl demons died off, but many say they went into hiding. A hiding place on the Nexus of Realities, where no one could see them. Except for the Holyman, and now, you." "Then how come I don't have superpowers?" "Well, that truly is odd. Holyman had his powers at the age of 3." "Well, Professor, you make a great argument, but I think I'll stay here for the time being." Arthur walked back into the assessment room. Now, a short, fat man stood with Holly and Euphorious. "Arthur," said Euphorious, "did Professor Weirdenstrange change anything?" "Sort of," said Arthur. "Ok, well, he's here till Tuesday, so....anyways, this is Dr. Mervin Marvin, one of our resident scientists. He has been experimenting with a centipede, using various strengthening potions and elexirs to benefit mankind." "I'll take it from here, Machene," said Dr. Marvin. "Using the digitally-enhanced Y under-ethical chromosome, I have, accidentally, made Experiment 56778, erm, giant. It has escaped and is currently in the subway system. I will require you to retrieve it." "Well, you can count on me," said Arthur. "Take Swiftman with you," said Euphorious. "Oh, why?" Stephan Swiftman was one of the most foul people to ever enlist in the Academy, in Arthur's opinion, not in Euphorious's. Swiftman came around the corner, coughing, not bothering to cover his mouth. "Why?" groaned Arthur, "Why?" "Here, I'll come to wave you off," said Holly. And the three left. "Kids," said Euphorious. "Kids," confirmed Marvin. Arthur, Holly and Swiftman walked towards the subway station. "Pancreas for me," sang Swiftman, "Pancreas for you, pancreas for everyone bar you, girl, doodelydoodelydoodoodoodoo." "Cut it out!" yelled Arthur. "Fine," said Swiftman, "anyway, where's Harry?" "Who?" "Oh, there he is," he pointed to blank wall, "Hi, Harry. Harry tells me to burn things." They stood at the trainstop. "See you," said Holly. "Bye," said Arthur, kissing her. He and Swiftman were about to jump down and look around the train tracks, when they heard a train coming. Euphorious said they had cancelled all trains. Still, they waited for the train, it stopped and the door opened. Inside, only elderly people sat, except one man who stood at the door. He had wild, bushy hair and his teeth were rotting. "Coming on the train, sirs?" asked the Train Man. "Oh, no," said Arthur, "we've got some work to do." "Work, what work?" "Hunting a giant centipede," said Swiftman. "Dumbass!" yelled Arthur slapping him on the head. "Giant centipede, eh?" said the Train Man, curious. "Well, I'm sure if you hop aboard, I'm sure we can find the rascally beast." "Oh, no thank you." "Sure?" Arthur saw something in the Train Man's eye. He could trust him. He didn't know why, but what he did know was that he could trust the Train Man. "Ok," said Arthur. "Sure!" yelled Swiftman. "I haven't been on a train since my mom was running away from the dentists." "Swiftman," said Arthur. "Hmm?" "Shut up." They hopped on. "Good," said the Train Man, "Good." They sat down on the train, next to the elderly people. They looked at them, upset. Then Arthur realised how old they really were. They looked like if you touched them they'd crumble into a million tiny pieces. Then the Train Man turned to Holy. "You coming, love?" "Oh, no," siad Holly. "I have to get back, I was just waving these two off." "Why, there's a little something for everyone aboard the Night Train." "Ok." said Holly, abandoning all sense, she stepped on the train. And the Night Train rode off. The Night Train was going on and on and on. "When does this thing stop?" asked Arthur. An old woman next to him replied, "Not for another century, my boy." "What do you mean, century?" "Oh, its happened to all of us, every century the Night Train stops and picks up a few, and the few never leave. They can never leave, denied death, denied life. Trapped on the Night Train, forever." "What do you mean?" "You know exactly what I mean, I am personally 548 years old, yet I haven't lived since 48, trapped on the Night Train for 500 years, yet I can't go insane and I can't go sane, trapped on the Nexus of Realities for eternity, inbetween everything. Void." Arthur walked up to Holly. "Did you hear that?" "Why did I get on?" cried Holly. "Why? I could've said no, but I didn't." "Oh, don't blame yourself, girl," said the old woman, "No one can resist him, the Man of the Train. So...right. Takes control of your mind. You're already on board before you've even said yes." Then, Euphorious's voice echoed through Arthur's earpiece. "Arthur?" he said. "Pick up, Arthur." "Right here, sir," said Arthur. "Where are you, Arthur? Our scanners have just dropped you, the three of you." "I believe we might be on the Nexus of Realities, sir." "What?" "Have you ever heard of the Night Train?" "No." "Of course he hasn't," said the old woman. "Anyone who has heard of it is sitting on it right now." "Is there someone there with you?" asked Euphorious. "Yes," said the old woman, "it's Crowenna Black." "Euphorious, look up Crowenna Black," said Arthur. "Yep," said Euphorious. "Deep Blue, search Crowenna Black." "Crowenna Black," said Deep Blue, the supercomputer, "107895 possible matches." "Is there a middle name?" asked Euphorious. "Crowenna, what's your middle name?" asked Arthur. "Mildred," said Crowenna. "Mildred." "Deep Blue," said Euphorious, "search Crowenna Mildred Black." "3 possible matches," said Deep Blue. "She was born 548 years ago," said Arthur. "Deep Blue," said Euphorious, "search Crowenna Mildred Black, born 4,999,999,875." "1 possible matches," said Deep Blue. "Read it out." "Crowenna Mildred Black, born 4,999,999,875AD, was born to James and Mildred and was raised by Lisa and Marcus. She disappeared in 4,999,999,923AD." "It's her alright," said Arthur. "Would you like to know more?" asked Deep Blue. "No," said Euphorious. "It's been a pleasure serving you, Mr Euphorious." "Oh, great," said Marvin. "Now we'll never find Experiment 56778!" "They'll get off that train, Mervin," said Euphorious, "I promise you." He talked to Arthur. "May I speak to Stephan?" Arthur looked over at Swiftman, who was strangling himself. "Take that, alien slime." "No." "Ok," said Euphorious. "Can you detect any spatial disturbances?" "Err...yes! There's something that can be sensed by some of our equipment that is travelling faster and faster through the subway network. It's going in a continuous loop. It's going faster than the speed of reality, if it gets any faster it will." "Go to the Nexus of Realities. Ok, Holly?" "Yes," said Holly. "We still exist, so we might have a chance of escaping. Swiftman." "Mmm" said Swiftman. "You come too." Arthur stood up on a seat and pulled away a duct to the ventilation shafts. He jumped in and climbed out of the train, onto the top. Right then, at the bottom of the train, Arthur stuck his head out. He looked up to see his legs dangling out of the top. He let go and fell down. Then his legs fell down and he collapsed on the floor. "Euphorious, I think we've got ourselves a wormhole." Swiftman jumped through the top and his head poked out the bottom. "Cool," he said, grabbing onto his own legs and pulling them. "I'm going to tear myself apart. Once, my grandma said she'd do that if I go around talking to no-good do-gooders." "Eureka!" yelled Marvin. "What is it, Mervin?" asked Euphorious. "Using Experiment 56778's experimental 55XY66 hormonal imbalance secretarial justificity, we can pinpoint his exact location! Deep Blue!" "Yes, Dr Marvin," said Deep Blue. "Recalibrate the simplificty of the H-sector GGG rompulsius!" "Yes, Dr Marvin." "There she is," said Marvin, pointing to the screen. "Wait a second," said Euphorious, looking at the Night Train tracking screen, they're in the same position! Arthur!" Arthur was busy fighting the giant centipede that had just crashed through the Night Train. "There's no bother," said Crowenna. "It can't die upon the Night Train." "Oh, no, don't kill it!" yelled Marvin. "It has over a thousand revolutionary experiments going on in it's blood that I can not afford to loose." "Yes, Dr Marvin," said Arthur, "but it's sort of attacking me." "Listen, the digitally-enhance Y under-ethical chromosome can be subsequently cancelled out by a mixture of acetic acid and type 3 citrus." "Go on." "Vinegar and an apple." "Everyone, listen up! Does anyone have any vinegar or apples?" "I have a granny smith," said an elderly man, handing it to him. "And I never go anywhere without my jar of pickled eggs," said another woman, doing the same. Arthur mixed them and crushed them, dodging the centipedes attacks. "Be very careful," said Euphorious, "that centipede's bight can tear you apart form the inside out." "Not on the Night Train, it can't," said Crowenna. Then the centipede bit her head and she crumbled to ashes. Arthur pumped the serum into a huge syringe and tried to stab the centipede. The giant arthropod dodged his attacks and then knocked the syringe out of his hands and it went flying through the air, over to the other side of the carriage. Then the centipede caught the smell of a man who hadn't showered in 16 years, Stephan Swiftman. It creeped towards the fowl smell, intrigued. It knew he would taste delicious. "Marvin," said Arthur. "Yes," said Marvin. "How smart is this thing?" "Possibly smarter than any non-sentient animal in the known world. He responds to names and-" "He responds to his name?" "Yes." "And that is?" "Experiment 56778." "Hey, Experiment 56778! Experiment 56778! 56778! Hey, Experiment." But the centipede didn't respond. "It's not working." "Try, Excellent Centipede." "Yo, Excellent Centipede." Nothing. "Nothing." "Try...My Little Darling." "My Little Darling." The centipede stopped and turned to Arthur. "That's right, My Little Darling." It walked towards him. "My Little Darling." It stroked him and cuddled up to him, as if he knew he wasn't a threat. "It worked." Arthur and the experiment sat together nicely, Holly snuck up behind them, the siringe in her hand. Arthur signaled at her and she stabbed the centipede. It wailed as the serum was injected into it and it shrunk to it's normal size. "Be careful," said Arthur, "it's still lethal." Just then, the Train Man walked in. "Crowenna Black is dead! How? How on the Night Train did Crowenna Black die?" Then, Experiment 56778 jumped up and bit the Train Man on his nose. He screamed as he turned to dust. As he died, so did the Night Train. It crumbled and fell apart and 17 people stood on the traintracks. Three survived. Arthur, Holly and Swiftman. The rest were so very old, older than one can be old on Earth, so they crumbled to dust. Arthur, Holly and Swiftman had captured Experiment 56778 and were expecting a large pay. "There you are," said Euphorious, handing out the three separate cheques. "$25!" yelled Arthur. "Technically, you don't work for us, Arthur. Anyway, Deep Blue calibrated it so that everyone else who needs pay gets it and at the same time the Academy still has heaps of money." "All right!" yelled Swiftman. "25 big ones! I'm going to buy a Super-Sized Slurpee and sell the bonus keychain on eBay. And then I'll use that money to buy a waffle iron!" Marvin then approached them. "May I have-" "Your little darling?" said Arthur. "Yes." He handed him Experiment 56778. "Oh, there you are, My Little Darling. Oh, oh, ooh!" He kissed the centipede. "You do know its male, right?" Marvin wanted to say some rebottle. His mouth moved up and down as ideas rushed through his head, until he eventually walked off. Then, the Professor walked up to him. Chupo leaped into Holly's arms and jumped around her. "Who's this?" she asked. "Chupo the mutated monkey," said Arthur. "May we talk," said the Professor to Arthur, "privately." They walked into he Professor's office. "So," said Arthur. "Well," said the Profesor. "When the Holyman had the Sight, he had difficulties staying...noble. He often betrayed people and tried to kill people, generally not, but still. Have you ever felt like doing that?" "No." "Then my theory is correct." "What theory?" "The Sight has been given to two individuals. You and a man named Walter Chestnut. You have the good side, he has the evil side. Only when one dies, can the other have superpowers. You must have them in order to save this world. Chestnut must not. We must stop Walter Chestnut!" They walked out and the Professor heaved Chupo into his arms. "Holly," said Arthur. "Want to come with me to kill an evil guy and turn me into a superhero?" "Sure," said Holly. "Mr Euphorious," said Arthur. "Yes," said Euphorious. "Oh, you're going with Professor Weirdenstrange's plan, are you? Take Swiftman with you!" "Why?" "Because he needs training." "Swiftman!" "Mmm," said Swiftman. "We're going on an adventure." "Cool, we'll eat frogs, fight eels and maybe see a grain of sand or two." "We'll see a lot more than that, Stephan," said the Professor. "We're going into the Unknown Zone." They walked up to the end of the Big City. Years ago, the Sun expanded and roasted Earth, turning it into a desert. The humans escaped and created a city, the Big City. They covered it with a night-cloak, a form of forcefield that generates light and heat. Now, the Unknown Zone covers 97% of Earth and the Big City 3%. "Now," said the Professor. "Chestnut is living in a small settlement on the other side of Earth called Skid Row. On the way, we will find uncontrollable heat, fowl creatures and more that is unknown. Now, we will leave on our adventure." They stepped through the night-cloak into the wild, burning Unknown Zone. What an adventure! Appearances Individuals *Apple Man *Crowenna Black *Chupo *Deep Blue *Holly Eckenrock *Machene Euphorious *Experiment 5667 *Arthur Longknuckle *Mervin Marvin *Pickled Onions Lady *Simulation Vampire *Simulation Werewolf *Stephan Swiftman *Cochane Weirdenstrange Species *Centipede *Demon **Air Demon *Human **Sightseer *Monkey *Night Train *Vampire *Werewolf Locations *Nexus of Realities *Real World **Earth ***Big City ****Academy for the Training of Hunters of the Vampirical Kind ****Train Station ***Unknown Zone ****Transquardential Nicety Unnicety Porridge Zone Category:Chapters